Saturday, October 9, 2010

Thoughts on conflict

Thoughts on conflict:

I’ve always been a high conflict person.  Always.  Let’s face it, someone with this much PERSONALITY is bound to rub someone the wrong way.  I generally say what’s on my mind the second it crosses my mind, which I’ve come to find doesn’t always win friends and influence people…surprisingly.  I joke with my boyfriend (you’ll meet him in the next post) that he’s fallen for a girl who is non-stop TMI, a walking exposé if you will.  So…I’m learning what a filter is…and how to use one…and when to use one…but there is still a learning curve, you see.

That being said, I like conflict.  No, I don’t like hurting people, and I certainly don’t like being hurt.  But all conflict (assuming it is non-violent, and non-abusive) can, long run, have really good results.  Through conflict we learn what our issues are.  Through conflict we learn what is absolutely not acceptable for how we treat others.  Through conflict we learn that we need God…that only He will ever love us perfectly, that only through His love can we learn to love others the way we need to.  Not just the way that we need to because He told us to.  The way we need to because if we don’t, than we will never stand a chance of receiving that love from others.  And without love, life is meaningless…empty…hopeless.  We fundamentally NEED to love others to survive.  After air, water, and food, it is our greatest needs as humans.  And only God can do it perfectly.  But we need to get a little somthun, somthun from each other too.  Or if you’re like me, you need a LOT OF SOMETHING to keep you going throughout the day.  My love tank depletes embarrassingly fast.  But that’s OK.  That’s how God made me.  And he made me that way so that at the end of the fight, I would turn to Him, receive HIS perfect love, and get back in the ring for another round.  Because what’s way more painful than being criticized is being pushed away.  Rejected.  Refused.  Shut out.  God, may I never do that to anyone.  All the times you’ve chastised me with your love, you’ve never, ever stopped caring.  You’ve never told me, “I’ve had enough of you, your sin, your pride, your know-it-all attitude, and I’M DONE!” And you never will.  A old African proverb I heard yesterday states that those who keep their arms crossed will not receive a blessing.  May I never have my arms crossed towards anyone.  That’s not the posture of LOVE.  That’s not the posture of the Cross…


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

This one's for J...still into you

I screwed up.  I'm sorry.  You're one of my best friends.  You've been a friend to me when so many others gave up.  Everything you said tonight was true.  I haven't been considerate.  You've had every right to be frustrated.

But one thing you said isn't wasn't a waste.  Remember when you flew me out to L.A. for approximately 24 hours for the rose bowl...and I'm sure in a lot of ways by the end of GRS it seemed like a waste.  But it wasn't.  Because I still fell for you.  It may have taken longer than you expected, but...I gave into your schemes =).

Well, now things are different.  I found someone new.  I like him so's crazy.  He treats you always have.  He cares about me.  He puts my needs before his own.  But he sees the world like I do.  I know you got over me a long time ago.  You got over me before I got over you.  Maybe I'm still not over you.  But you're better without me.  I've never treated you well.  I'll treat him well.  For your sake...and for his.

J, you've gotten me through some of the toughest times of my life.  You've made me want to live when I didn't want to.  I thank God for you.  I'm listening to "our song" on repeat as I write this.  Tears are streaming down my face.  I'm so sorry.  I know those are just empty words, but one day I'll make it up to you.  I promise.  You may not see the return on your investment today...but eventually you will.  You've listened.  You've cared.  You've called.  You've loved me.  And I do love you.  But I have to do it afar now.

Please try to understand.  I know you will.  You always get me...but not all of me.  He does.  I'm happy J.  Happier than I've ever been in my life.  You helped me get here.  One day I'll give you the recog you've always deserved.  I'll miss you.  I wish I could take it all back.  I wish I could show you what you mean to me.  I wish I could redo the time we've had together.  I would have taken time to listen and not just talk.  I would have kept my boundaries.  I would have done the little things to make you feel special and let you know I cared.  I wouldn't have taken you for granted.  Sure it was fun...but I wasn't respecting you...and I wasn't respecting myself.  I've found someone who respects me.  He's willing to wait.

Maybe if I had acted like Christ, you would have been able to see Him.  Maybe you would have believed.  But I'll have to trust that He brings someone else into your life that does a better job of showing that He cares for you.  I regret how I've treated you more than anything else in my life.  I can't undo the past.  But I've got to step into the future.  It's bright...there are so many good things ahead for both of us.  You'll find a girl who treats you well.  You'll find you're  She'll have everything you liked about a heart.  I believe in you.  I'm rooting for you.  I know we'll meet again.  Until then, I'll take everything you taught me with me.  How to treat people well.  Relationships are worth getting over things for.  I'll find people to give to that don't give back...and I'll do it for you.  I only wish it could be with you...